Pain. I haven’t experienced a lot of physical pain in my life. Never broken any bones, never had a serious infection, never experienced anything worse than a migraine. I guess I’m lucky that way. Mental trauma, however… that’s a whole other story.

I haven’t been doing so well these past few weeks. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now, and it feels like every time something goes right, something else goes wrong and makes me double over in mental pain. It’s been so bad that my psychiatrist had to up my dose of meds again. I can’t tell you how that feels, to see yourself progressing and then regressing over and over again.

I don’t know why I’m writing this instead of filming a YouTube video. Perhaps because I’m afraid to show my face on camera, afraid I’ll show my emotions on screen and cry. I feel like an imposter, to tell you the truth. Look at me, making personal development videos on my channel, and yet being unable to crack a smile. I suppose that’s life, though, right? We all deal with imposter syndrome every now and then.

additional info But the thing about pain, I’ve realised, is that it ends. I remember July 5th, 2016, the date on which what can only be called my worst depressive episode occurred. And today? I can say honestly that it’s much, much worse than that.

That pain ended, however, to a point where I don’t even remember it. So who’s to say this pain won’t?

I don’t have a lot of coping resources at the moment, except perhaps therapy and writing. I don’t have more than one friend in the city, and going home to my parents only makes me miss Mumbai, and it gets worse. I’m sorry to say that, Amma and Appa, but it’s true.

So here’s to hope that the pain numbs. Here’s to my mental health improving, here’s to a day when I can once again write five points in my gratitude journal instead of, well, zero.

I’m not going to give up. I can’t. I made a promise to my loved ones, and I’m going to uphold it. I will not give up. I know I have the strength to continue, deep down. I just hope it shows itself soon.

6 thoughts on “Pain.”

  1. You shall indeed be able to fight with your inner demons and find betterment in Life. I believe in you…

  2. Just don’t lose your confidence Swati, we all have extreme power to overcome any fear any situation. Today you have your own website right! because you are moving instead of showing back to life. Good Luck!!

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